Insanly stuck on the concept of "LOVE"
I'm on the phone with my ex-fiance right now.....hes telling me "I like talking on the phone with you and hanging out with you ...and your actually very special and your...Are you typing? (damn I've been caught!) ....."yes"....."what are you typing?" ....."what you're saying" ....."why?"......"shut up I'm writing a Xanga blog"
and now I'm being an asshole-ish. lol not really but like hes all like I'm confused STORY:
This boy and I became boyfriend and girlfriend and then we were engaged and then he decided we were not engaged...many times, and like an idiot I continued to go back to him...many times, and this one time he really violated me. I prefer not to type the details (*cough* triked me and used me for sex *cough*) and my mental health deteriorated just a little bit because well, I loved this person. And then I got duped one more time in a different way though, and finally got angry. QUESTION 1: how many times is enough before you say *uck you? It has been a grand total of.....nine times *says this sheepishly*
but after getting angry he told me that he was just saying that because he did not know what to do but that he really loved me so much and could not live without me and I told him to prove it and for about a month (with a minor eh moment in the middle that I should have payed attention to) he was being the sweetest thing EVER. and then the talked to my mother. By this time I was starting to warm up to the idea of being with him again. I was so unsure and I asked God to show me what I should do (I ...am not religious. ) and nothing showed up...but then he started acting all callous towards me and I had this realization one night that "he does not love me" (ya think *itch!) and surprisingly I spoke with him Saturday night on the bus home from meeting very cool xangonians at the D.C. meet, and he said "I don't like you anymore....." and I'm like....well I'm not surprised, but wtf? It's not even i don't love you anymore this time. and he gave me the reasons my mother told him why we shouldn't be together and infuriated me and I had a very momentary relapse of the begging why! ness and then i snapped out of it. And went to a party and played beer pong. and got up the next morning and went to church. (weird...a whole other story) and ate lunch with friends. and then went to the library and thought about him through blogs.END STORY
and I'm like well....
he loves me
he loves me?
i love youi love you not
i love you
i love you not
i love you
i love you not
i love you
i love you!
i really fucking love you!!
just kidding i love you... NOT
*So now we are talking on the phone like civilized people. I am being dreadfully sarcastic, and he is...?? but we are having a conversation none the less.
and now there is an awkward silence. *And back to the bullshit. blah blah blah.... *sigh*
QUESTION 2: why am I still on the phone with this man? a couple of years and some months...
*now (RIGHT now) hes saying he has to go to band practice. he calls it school. because he says thats how important it is. his band is 12th of August. DON'T look them up I hate them.
*and then he said "I know you'll pick up tomorrow" and I said "ah HA! Well I won't pick up tomorrow so if you have something to say you better say it now!"
*and the signal just died. will he call back? hrm will I call back? yes, because I always do. here we must enter a very important quote.
"insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results"-Benjamin Franklin*Yes so, I called him back. and my phone just died (an hour later) and now we are texting via aim. *sigh*
*So NOW he came up with this brilliant plan called: you can come with me to band practice and i can come see you at your school and that he is willing to compromise. that we just need to be in eachother's lives again, "what do we know about eachother now?" the same things that happened last year!" I want to make happy memories again. When's the last time we have made those? We could do that again!"
.....getting sucked into the vortex, pulled into the alley by the pied piper piping, hypnotized by the lovey coin with an etching of the perfect life rotaing in front of me...STOP!! QUESTION 3: what will I say?
hint 1: me:"Do you really think you can compromise?"
hint 2: him: "I do love you as a girlfriend, I just didnt know the words to express my feelings....lets just try it.
hint 3: him: "Am I the only one who's excited? ..Maybe I am bi-polar but who cares! This could fix things!
hint 4: the "F-I-N-E" and "O-K" keys are glaring at me right now.
QUESTION 4: why is this even something I need to think about? (I am thinking about it)
QUESTION 5: Has anyone ever been in this situation before and if yes, were you delightfully sane, or dreadfully insane?
Love "Karen" -for short
Comments (1)
Um, I've been in a very similar situation before. You must move on from this guy. For whatever reason it was that you guys broke up the first time, will be the same/similar reason you will break up again. Don't let him string you along...and most importantly, don't string yourself along. For all those girls out there who are in this situation, there really is better out there. You just gotta let bad baggage go before you can find it. I know it works, bc it worked for me !